[a.k.a. "I am bored and unoriginal"]
Aboard the Nomad
Sunny: Wee! I love eggs! Eggs are awesome!
[Meanwhile...]
Colonel Campbell: So, remember that whole incident in Metal Gear Solid 2?
Solid Snake: (grunt) I’ve been trying to forget that. They made me a side character in my own game!
Campbell: Well, it turns out that some people are afraid America kind of wanted to rule the world by mass-producing those Metal Gear Ray units.
Snake: Despite the fact that one whiny bitch with a rocket launcher could destroy 15 of them by himself?
Campbell: So rather than take the direct approach, they’ve instead decided to use private military companies.
Snake: PMCs?
Campbell: Yes, there are several of these Blackwater-wannabes out there.
Sunny: [stomping her feet] Dammit! Why don’t you want my eggs? And why are you smoking, you old fart? This is a non-smoking flight! I’m gonna call child support services on your ass!
Otacon: Wow, strong vocabulary for an eight year old.
Campbell: And now, allow me to give you a Powerpoint presentation of everything that’s happened between this game and the second one.
Snake: Wait a minute, I thought this was a video game?
Campbell: It is.
Snake: So why doesn’t the player actually get to do anything?
Campbell: Because Hideo Kojima needs to rant against the military-industrial complex for hours on end, and you paid $60 to watch him do it.
Snake: He couldn’t just start up a blog like every other asshole on the planet with an opinion, an internet connection, and too much time on their hands?
Campbell: No. Now here’s the history of…
[Snake snores through presentation]
Campbell: …oh, and did I mention that all of these PMCs are secretly controlled by your brother, Liquid?
Snake: [wakes up] Wha?
Campbell: Yeah, he somehow managed to live on in the body of Revolver Ocelot after grafting his arm on…
Snake: Look, the PMC stuff had some grounding in reality, but my brother coming back from the dead to control the world? What the fuck?
Campbell: Just play along, Snake. You’re gonna have to end the series and hopefully make those fanboys stop begging Kojima for yet another sequel.
Snake: Despite being referred to as a soldier and killing hundreds of faceless goons over the years, I’m not entirely sure I should be killing my undead ghost brother.
Campbell: Fine, you can become an hero at the end of this.
Snake: Okay, where do I go?
Campbell: An unnamed Middle Eastern country.
Snake: You have all this intelligence on Liquid, and you can’t even tell me the name of the country he’s in?
Campbell: Alright, it’s Morocco, happy now? You’re going to fucking Morocco, and you’re going to hook up with some UN Peacekeepers called the Rat Patrol.
Snake: Peacekeepers? Like the ones that stood by and watched the Tutsis get slaughtered in Rwanda, or the guys who were caught raping women in the Congo, or the guys who twiddled their thumbs as Israel and Lebanon…
[screen fades out]
Snake:…wait, I’m not done yet! Dammit, where’s my cigarette?
_________________
“THE MIDDLE EAST”
Snake: [monologuing] War…has changed…
Rebel #2: Who’s that white guy waxing poetic about how war has changed?
Rebel #1: Said his name was Soleed Sn’q, and wanted to kill infidels with us.
Rebel #2: That old geezer? We’ll be lucky if he survives the next minute.
Rebel #1: Yeah, not like us faceless rebels. We’re going to be oh-kay!
[shots fired, rebels massacred]
Rebel #1: Gah! How…ironic…
Rebel #2: We…should’ve stayed…in the truck…
Snake: Oh crap, they saw me! Happy place, happy place, happy place…
[Flashback-Snake at a cemetary, maybe Arlington?]
Snake: Oh God, this isn’t happy at all! It’s a sign of my own mortality! Damn you Kojima and your symbolism!
Otacon: You only have a year to live at best.
Snake: Dammit!
Campbell: Oh Snake, I’m just going to repeat what I already said three days from now…
Snake: How do you know that?
Campbell: Too late, Kojima’s decided to let you actually play the game now.
Snake: Seriously?
[/Flashback]
[Codec rings]
Snake: Dammit Otacon, can’t you let me actually play the game?
Otacon: No, I just need to fill in a piece of background info that slipped my mind before.
Snake: Fuck off.
[Snake disconnects]
To be continued…
Posted by amendele 