The Xtacles in Operation: Flaming Fanblade

[ed. note: fanfiction again. May the lord have mercy on my soul.]

“Gawd!” The fat, silhouetted figure banged on his desk as he read the news from ten different blogs on five different screens. All of them seemed to point towards a horrible crisis. “Gawd!” He banged on his desk again. “How could they do this? How could the worthless American network cancel Nage Hentai Nookie-chan after just two episodes? I can’t believe this! I totally would’ve watched that show on TV if my mom’s cable box carried that network!”

It had been bad enough when the lovely elf he had met online after playing through months of Worc-Raft had dumped his avatar for some talking cow. It was even worse when the Animu-suku-san forum moderators had banned him for his non-stop trolling. But now his favorite cartoon would no longer be shown in the US! He’d have to subsist on illegally-subtitled downloads of each episode of Nage Hentai Nookie-Chan instead!

That was it! He was going to start an online petition to get his show back! When he brought the full force of the fanbase to flood the Japanese company’s E-Mail box, they would be so ashamed they would beg for a US release of the full series. Maybe they would even do an episode based on a script he wrote! The fat, silhouetted figure chugged a Red Bull as he began to type up the message. As his Cheeto-stained fingers flew across the keyboard, composing what he believed to be the greatest protest E-Mail ever, a giant flaming fanblade dropped from the sky, puncturing the split-level house and slicing the silhouetted figure through the head. He would never be able to type another E-mail again as the flaming fanblade burned down the house around him.

The police would later determine that nothing of value was lost in that fire.

Meanwhile, at the United Nations…

“…and once this body votes upon this critical piece of legislation, we will have told our children that the problem of global warming will be one step closer to being solved, 20 or 30 years down the road! We will have replaced our old fossil fuels with renewable energy sources, like solar power, nuclear power, and most importantly wind power…”

President Stan felt a sharp elbow jab him from the right as the black general cleared his throat. “Mr. President, c’mon! You’re supposed to be paying attention!”

“Oh, why do I have to come to these meetings? Everyone knows we’re just going to set a lot of goals that won’t get done.”

“Mr. President, you are here representing the United States because your ambassador had some personal business to attend to. Something about a Japanese cartoon he really liked.”

“And?”

The general paused, disappointed yet unsurprised by Stan’s reaction. “Well, he put a lot of time into pushing this resolution through the general assembly, and it’s…”

“Oh hold on a second,” Stan tapped the side of his face, “I’m getting a call through my bluetooth.”

“Wait a minute, I didn’t know you had one of those Bluetooth headsets?”

“Headset? I just got a wireless communicator surgically implanted in my tooth, see that blue coloring? That’s science at work!”

“That’s…” the general grimaced, “that’s kinda gross sir.”

“Oh shut up, I’m trying to make a call!”

The UN Secretary-General began to take a vote from each member in the General Assembly. As he did so, President Stan was lost in his own conversation.

“…wait, he did what?” Unfortunately, Stan leaned too close to the microphone and began broadcasting his entire conversation to the General Assembly, “You tell that son of a bitch that if he pulls that stunt again, I’m going to call my friend Vito and have him give that bastard the Vito Special!” As the translators translated the President’s speech for each delegate to hear, every single delegate in the chamber offered a collective gasp. Except the ones who could understand English, for they had collectively gasped a few seconds earlier. Stan continued his conversation, deaf to the budding protests of the delegates. “Well, I don’t care what you think! I am not afraid to Vito that bastard straight into the ground this instant! In fact, I’m going to do that right now! I’m going to Vito him so hard, he’ll be feeling it from every orifice!”

The Secretary-General looked sad as he stepped up to the podium and delivered the news, “The United States hereby uses its veto power to destroy the resolution. Ah well.” He then proceeded to take a lighter out of his pocket and burned the resolution on the podium before finishing the meeting. “Not like we do anything useful here anyway. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a Swiss bank account and a Ugandan trophy wife back home.”

Later, in a cafe somewhere in town…

In a cafe somewhere, news of the President’s Veto in the UN had reached the ears of some shady businessmen with ponytails.

“Curses!” One shady businessman grunted, “That President Stan is smarter than we give him credit for, he saw through our resolution to give us all the profits from the wind farms all over the world!”

“What will we do now?” The second businessman cried, “If we don’t raise money from another wind farm somewhere, those Japanese guys are going to turn our office into a sushi supply warehouse!”

“Phil, that is incredibly racist.”

“Sorry, Will.”

The third ponytailed businessman gave Phil a comforting pat, “Look, we’re going to have to face facts: we’ve exhausted almost all of our options, so we’re going to have to pull out the one option I’d hope we’d never have to choose.”

Phil gasped. “Bill! You can’t possibly mean…”

“Yes, I do.” Bill replied sternly as he opened a briefcase and put it on the table. “We’re going to have to call in our favors and get a new briefcase. I mean seriously, this thing’s older than my dead grandpa.”

“But where can we find a briefcase that’s awesome enough to convince President Stan to let us build more wind farms around the world?”

“Well, that leads me to the next part of my plan…”

What plan could Bill have in mind? Tune in…next time!