Democracy In-action

So once upon a time, I was in my totally cool government office, doing many important things. Things like going to awesome parties and voting to name post offices in Dish, Texas after famous dead people. Y’know, shit like that.

All of a sudden, this guy bursts in my office, his clothes are all ragged and his face is dripping with sweat. Dude needs to take a few chill pills, y’know? I was gonna offer him a drink, maybe a few tequila shots, but the dude is all like, “No! Your totally uncool staff tried to stop me from getting the message out! I need you to listen for a few seconds!”

I played it totally cool, like I always do. So I says, “Dude, I’m listening.”

And he’s all like, “Dude, they’re gonna be voting on that horrible, awful, terrible, no-good, very bad bill!”

And I’m like, “Which one, bro? They all suck!”

And he goes, “The one that’ll give the telcos retroactive immunity for all the illegal shit they’ve done!”

And I’m like, “How is that bad, bro?”

But I don’t get an answer, because the boss lady decides to bust in the door while men in black suits drag him away. The dude keeps screaming, “Don’t tase me bro! Don’t fucking tase me…ahhh!” He’s screaming in pain as someone puts, like, 10,000 joules of electricity or something into his body, thus interrupting the flow of electrical signals to his brain and causing his muscles to convulse for a minute while the men in black drag him out of my office. But hey, I don’t claim to be smart or nothin’.

So it’s just me and that boss lady in my office. If she were, like, 20 years younger, I would totally hit that. But she didn’t seem to agree with me that one time I said it to her. So we agreed to keep our relations totally professional.

“I’m sorry, we tried to keep him out, but he was surprisingly flexible,” The woman says before handing me a sheet of paper with a speech on it. “I typed it all out for you, just like you wanted. All you have to do is read the sheet and then vote yes when the bill number on the top of that sheet comes up.”

And I’m like, “So, what’s this bill about?”

And she’s all, “It’s about keeping our country safe from terrorists who want to kill our children.”

“So if I vote yes on this bill, our country will be safe from baby-killing terrorists?”

“Yes.”

“But that bro you tased,”

“You mean, ‘That bro who violently barged into your office and resisted arrest.'” She said in her stern old lady voice. I mean, what was she, my mother?

“Whatever, lady. Anyway, he said it, like, lets some corporations walk free after breaking the law.”

“They never broke the law, Congressman. They were simply assisting the government in handling classified information to protect us from evil terrorists.”

“Oh, well when you put it that way, it totally makes sense.”

“I’m glad you see it my way. I’ll see you on the floor…good luck, Congressman.” The lady winked at me before she walked out of the office. I stared at the speech, and tried practicing it, but then crumpled it up. Nah, that speech sounded so boring. I know the boss lady doesn’t like it, but I was gonna write my own speech this time, one that would totally make those terrorists afraid of me.

It was gonna be so awesome.