Operation: Flaming Fanblade Pt. IV

The young man called Chase slowly woke up expecting to see little more than the familiar surroundings of his bed on the Xcalibur, but instead found himself lying on a beach. He slowly picked himself up, and tried to shake some of the sand out of his suit, but found it difficult, so he simply pushed the release valve on his chestplate and watched as the two halves of his Xtacle torso fell on either side of him. He thought he heard the voice of a man muttering some curse at him, then something about getting a drink, but he could not  see. At least now he could get the sand out of his body.

“Chase-sannnnn…” A soft, womanly voice called out to him, “Chase-sannnnnn…”

Chase looked around, but could not see who the voice belonged to.

“Are you the legendary warrior, sent forth from far off lands to destroy the evil giants?”

Chase still couldn’t find the source of the voice, but just replied to the wind, “Ummmm, yeah? I guess I am?”

“That is wonderful news, Chase-san!” A beautiful, petite Japanese woman appeared behind him, clad in a loose red dress. “I knew that you would be the chosen one! It is said that the hero would carry a clear horn and a brave heart into battle with him!”

“Clear horn? What is that supposed to mean?”

“You will find out in due time, Chase-san! Now go, the trial of the wind awaits you!”

“Okay, but first…do you think you can do a little favor for me?”

_____________

“Chase? Are you okay? Chase?” The helmeted Xtacle was about to try performing CPR when Chase unceremoniously grabbed the Xtacle and started making out with the helmet, only to realize a few seconds later that it wasn’t the face of the beautiful Japanese woman from before.

“UGH! What the hell, man?”

“Thank God you’re alive. I thought that flaming windmill almost got you!”

“Hey, I don’t interrupt your wet dreams with real, life-threatening situations, do I?”

“Chase?”

Chase pointed an accusatory finger at the helmeted Xtacle and said, “You are like my least favorite Xtacle! Just go and find your damn roommate, I’m going back to the Xcalibur myself.”

“Chase?”

“Stop talking to me, dammit!”

The helmeted Xtacle was about to warn him about his lack of fuel when Chase fired up his rocket boots. Instead, he just dismissively threw up his hands and walked in the opposite direction. After a few more minutes, Chase suddenly felt the rocket boots start to taper down.

“Huh, maybe I should’ve asked him where we are.” Chase thought out loud before the rocket boosters shut off from lack of fuel.

Meanwhile, inside a Tokyo office building…

<Folks, we have a problem.> One man spoke in Japanese, <those damn gaijin managed to figure out a way to travel to Japan for relatively low money. Now they are at our doorstep.>

<Oh no! How could this fate have befallen us?> A second Japanese man asked, <All we wanted to do was give the American audiences what they wanted! Is it our fault that their networks were afraid of publishing our glorious material?>

<I think I understand the problem here.> A Japanese woman spoke up.

<Quiet, Keiko Tsundere! You’re a woman! How could your tiny brain possibly understand the intricacies of the Japanese cartoon industry?>

<For your information, I’m the head of your character design department!>

<Get out Tsundere, there are men conducting Serious Business in this room.>

Keiko stomped over to the desk and smashed her fist down hard upon its surface, <Do you think I enjoyed drawing all those…those hentai pictures of Nookie-chan? There’s a reason that your shows are being pirated in the United States instead of bought: because no so-called otaku gaijin would be caught dead with our product on the street!>

<Well then, Tsundere, what do you suggest?>

<We need something that the American youth will eat up and spend money on. Something with bulky men with big guns and swords in  robot suits! They love those!>

<Are you crazy? Such a design would never work!>

Keiko sighed, <Well, at the very least it would serve to get rid of those gaijin protesting outside our building.>

<But how can we get someone in a bulky robot suit out there to drive these gaijin away in such a short time?>

Just as Keiko Tsundere was about to answer, Chase suddenly appeared in the window, quickly falling down to the street in his Xtacle armor sans helmet. Finally, he crashed down to the street, his fall broken by the bodies of several protestors clustered outside the office building.

<I think I have our answer,> Keiko said as she smiled evilly.

At first, the protestors were horrified by the sudden appearance of the strange armored man with what appeared to be a piece of glass stuck in the top of his head, but then they slowly inched closer and started trying to ask questions. However, Chase had slipped back off to dreamland.

_____________

“Chase-san! I thought I had lost you!”

Chase’s spirits perked up. The hot Japanese girl had returned!

“Now Chase-san, you must undergo the first step of your training!” The woman began to step on his bare back, expertly massaging it with her own bare feet. “Do you think yourself ready to undertake the task set before you?”

“Hey babe, if it means spending some more time with you, I’d jump naked through a ring of fire while strapped to a Filipino midget.”

“I am so glad to hear that, Chase-san!”

“Hey, why do you keep saying Chase-san? You know my name’s Chase, right?”

“I know, it’s just…I find you so damn irresistable.”

“Hey, I didn’t say to stop.”

“My apologies, but it appears that your time may come sooner than you think. You are a hero trapped between two worlds, yet while you are a hero within one, you will be thrust into another. I am sure you will do fine.”

Chase felt the woman squat on his back, and then suddenly leap up into the air. Chase turned around and found himself facing another hot Japanese woman, except she was totally ignoring his hotness and was speaking to…

Chase blinked his eyes. He was in a city, and the woman was speaking in broken English to a bunch of nerds. Chase looked down at himself to find that he was actually still in his Xtacles-issue battle armor, sans helmet. The woman wasn’t exactly as hot as the other one he had been having dreams about, but she still had nice tits in his opinion, and his opinion was the only one that mattered.

_______________

At the outside of the ring of protestors, two helmeted Xtacles watched as Keiko Tsundere, the head character designer of Nage Hentai Nookie-chan, was holding up Chase Fontaine as the hero of some brand new series. The various nerds who hadn’t been crushed underneath Chase’s armor applauded the announcement.

“What?” The helmeted Xtacle called Newman shouted, “I’ve been a fan of Tsundere’s work since before I joined the Xtacles! How come he gets all the fame? He doesn’t know the first thing about anime!”

“Newman, let’s just go home.” The other helmeted Xtacle said, “The Commander’s going to chew out all our asses if you stay here longer.”

“But we don’t have any spare fuel for our rocket boots!” Newman protested, “How are we going to get home?”

“Well, maybe Mr. Ford knows some…hey, where is Mr. Ford anyways?”

Where is Mr. Ford? And what does this have to do with the rest of the story? Find out…next time!

The Xtacles in Operation: Flaming Fanblade

[ed. note: fanfiction again. May the lord have mercy on my soul.]

“Gawd!” The fat, silhouetted figure banged on his desk as he read the news from ten different blogs on five different screens. All of them seemed to point towards a horrible crisis. “Gawd!” He banged on his desk again. “How could they do this? How could the worthless American network cancel Nage Hentai Nookie-chan after just two episodes? I can’t believe this! I totally would’ve watched that show on TV if my mom’s cable box carried that network!”

It had been bad enough when the lovely elf he had met online after playing through months of Worc-Raft had dumped his avatar for some talking cow. It was even worse when the Animu-suku-san forum moderators had banned him for his non-stop trolling. But now his favorite cartoon would no longer be shown in the US! He’d have to subsist on illegally-subtitled downloads of each episode of Nage Hentai Nookie-Chan instead!

That was it! He was going to start an online petition to get his show back! When he brought the full force of the fanbase to flood the Japanese company’s E-Mail box, they would be so ashamed they would beg for a US release of the full series. Maybe they would even do an episode based on a script he wrote! The fat, silhouetted figure chugged a Red Bull as he began to type up the message. As his Cheeto-stained fingers flew across the keyboard, composing what he believed to be the greatest protest E-Mail ever, a giant flaming fanblade dropped from the sky, puncturing the split-level house and slicing the silhouetted figure through the head. He would never be able to type another E-mail again as the flaming fanblade burned down the house around him.

The police would later determine that nothing of value was lost in that fire.

Meanwhile, at the United Nations…

“…and once this body votes upon this critical piece of legislation, we will have told our children that the problem of global warming will be one step closer to being solved, 20 or 30 years down the road! We will have replaced our old fossil fuels with renewable energy sources, like solar power, nuclear power, and most importantly wind power…”

President Stan felt a sharp elbow jab him from the right as the black general cleared his throat. “Mr. President, c’mon! You’re supposed to be paying attention!”

“Oh, why do I have to come to these meetings? Everyone knows we’re just going to set a lot of goals that won’t get done.”

“Mr. President, you are here representing the United States because your ambassador had some personal business to attend to. Something about a Japanese cartoon he really liked.”

“And?”

The general paused, disappointed yet unsurprised by Stan’s reaction. “Well, he put a lot of time into pushing this resolution through the general assembly, and it’s…”

“Oh hold on a second,” Stan tapped the side of his face, “I’m getting a call through my bluetooth.”

“Wait a minute, I didn’t know you had one of those Bluetooth headsets?”

“Headset? I just got a wireless communicator surgically implanted in my tooth, see that blue coloring? That’s science at work!”

“That’s…” the general grimaced, “that’s kinda gross sir.”

“Oh shut up, I’m trying to make a call!”

The UN Secretary-General began to take a vote from each member in the General Assembly. As he did so, President Stan was lost in his own conversation.

“…wait, he did what?” Unfortunately, Stan leaned too close to the microphone and began broadcasting his entire conversation to the General Assembly, “You tell that son of a bitch that if he pulls that stunt again, I’m going to call my friend Vito and have him give that bastard the Vito Special!” As the translators translated the President’s speech for each delegate to hear, every single delegate in the chamber offered a collective gasp. Except the ones who could understand English, for they had collectively gasped a few seconds earlier. Stan continued his conversation, deaf to the budding protests of the delegates. “Well, I don’t care what you think! I am not afraid to Vito that bastard straight into the ground this instant! In fact, I’m going to do that right now! I’m going to Vito him so hard, he’ll be feeling it from every orifice!”

The Secretary-General looked sad as he stepped up to the podium and delivered the news, “The United States hereby uses its veto power to destroy the resolution. Ah well.” He then proceeded to take a lighter out of his pocket and burned the resolution on the podium before finishing the meeting. “Not like we do anything useful here anyway. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a Swiss bank account and a Ugandan trophy wife back home.”

Later, in a cafe somewhere in town…

In a cafe somewhere, news of the President’s Veto in the UN had reached the ears of some shady businessmen with ponytails.

“Curses!” One shady businessman grunted, “That President Stan is smarter than we give him credit for, he saw through our resolution to give us all the profits from the wind farms all over the world!”

“What will we do now?” The second businessman cried, “If we don’t raise money from another wind farm somewhere, those Japanese guys are going to turn our office into a sushi supply warehouse!”

“Phil, that is incredibly racist.”

“Sorry, Will.”

The third ponytailed businessman gave Phil a comforting pat, “Look, we’re going to have to face facts: we’ve exhausted almost all of our options, so we’re going to have to pull out the one option I’d hope we’d never have to choose.”

Phil gasped. “Bill! You can’t possibly mean…”

“Yes, I do.” Bill replied sternly as he opened a briefcase and put it on the table. “We’re going to have to call in our favors and get a new briefcase. I mean seriously, this thing’s older than my dead grandpa.”

“But where can we find a briefcase that’s awesome enough to convince President Stan to let us build more wind farms around the world?”

“Well, that leads me to the next part of my plan…”

What plan could Bill have in mind? Tune in…next time!