Roxanne vs. Bismarck

Roxanne Bond vs. Otto von Bismarck

“Do you haf anyzing to declaaare?” The customs agent glared at Roxanne as she calmly sat and waited. The man had an eyepatch over one eye and a bloodshot appearance in the other that currently glared back at her. It was a bit unsettling, and Terry would have deduced that the Germans did this on purpose to make foreigners feel unwelcome. But Roxanne kept her calm composure.

“Goodness, no, no…I’m just a pretty girl who has requested the pleasure of the great Kaiser’s company.”

“You haf?”

“I have.”

“Ah, you must be another vun of dose English whores he likes! Vun second, pleass.” The man retreated behind a curtain, and then returned with a different set of papers. “Okay, qvestion vun…are you a spy?”

“Good heavens no!”

“Ah, danke.” The man checked off a box on his sheet. “I apologize, madam, but this is for both your own security and that of our Great Leader Bismarck. You do understand, right?”

“Of course.”

“Now, qvestion two. Are you really not a spy?”

“No.”

“Number three. Are you not not a spy?”

Roxanne stumbled for a bit, then replied, “No.”

“Good, because a spy vould realize I vas trying to trick him and refuse to answer.” The man checked off a few more boxes on his sheet, “Und how long vill he be enjoying ze pleasure of your company?”

“Oh, I’d say till about tomorrow morning.”

“Danke, Madame Broxis. Ve shall escort you to ze grand palace.”

___________

“Muhuhuhuhahahaaaa…I am Otto von Bismarck!” The German Kaiser roared, “and you will all bow to me, or I will crush you under my heavy German boots!”

“I’ll never submit to you, Kaiser!” The English king angrily shouted in a low-pitched voice.

“Oh, is that so?” Bismarck smirked.

“Yeah, we English are stupid dumb poopyheads who don’t recognize when we’ve been beaten!”

“Then I shall finish you off! WAH!” The Kaiser smacked into the English king, sending his figure toppling off of the table while Bismarck mimicked a low “NOOOOOOOO!” from the corner of his mouth. “Now that I am ruler of all Europa, it is time for having the sex with my new English queen!”

“No, go away I hate you I hate you!” The queen murmured in a high-pitched voice.

“Ohoho, you say that now. But consider that English woman are attracted to money. And power. And I have both.”

“Oh, now I find you strangely attractive.”

“Here, I will kiss you and then we will have efficient German sexing.”

The two figures moved in, their painted faces rubbing against each other as their wooden, painted feet were lifted off the ground. “Ohhhh…” A high-pitched moan came from the queen’s side, “your helmet is sooooo biiig…”

“Mein Kaiser!”

Bismarck jumped and swept all of the dolls under his body as one of his subordinates entered the room. “Mein Gott, have you not heard of knocking?” Bismarck shouted at the guard.

“Sorry sir, but your English whore has arrived for your pleasure sir! I figured you would want to know about that, sir!”

“Did you see anything?”

“No sir! I did not see you playing with your dolls again, sir!”

“What was that?”

“Excuse me, I did not see you playing with your action figures, sir!”

“GOOD!” The Kaiser quickly swept up his dolls/action figures and shoved them into a chest. “Now send her in!”

Roxanne slowly walked in, making sure to appear as innocent and unthreatening as she possibly could. Considering her usual demeanor, this wasn’t much of a challenge. However, seeing the infamous Bismarck in full military dress and accompanied by a steampipe rendition of some Prussian military anthem did seem a bit unsettling. It seemed as if he was trying to cover up for some sort of inadequacy.

“Ah, you are the Madame Broxis? Velcome into my humble abode.” Bismarck gripped Roxanne’s hand tightly. Very tightly. Was this how German men normally greeted their women? It didn’t seem right at all. “You vant something to drink? Perhaps some tea?”

“Tea would be nice, Mr. Bismarck.”

“Oh please,” Bismarck blushed, “call me Otto.”

“Alright then, Otto. Would you mind if I have a seat? My feet are rather sore from traveling such a long distance to meet with a great man like yourself.”

“Of course. Come, I will show you my latest invention in furniture. I call it, the Otto-man!”

“Really?”

“Of course! I bet that hundreds of years from now, people will be resting their feet on this very thing. Oh, one second…” Bismarck walked over to the door and hissed at the nearest guard to find the errand boy and get him a cup of tea. Meanwhile, Roxanne was smiling inwardly. This assignment wouldn’t be too hard at all. All she had to do was string Bismarck along and pump up his ego long enough until he went to sleep. He wouldn’t even see the knife coming.

___________

Otto sat across the room, resting his feet on the Otto-man as he sipped a cup of tea. Roxanne folded her hands in her lap and simply watched. Occasionally, she mimed drinking the tea, but didn’t actually drink any of it in case the liquid contained drugs.

“So, mein lovely little whore–” Bismarck began.

“Courtesan.” Roxanne interrupted.

“Vhat?”

“Otto, I prefer to be referred to as a courtesan.”

“No, you are a whore!” Otto shouted, tumbling off the chair and the Otto-man before standing back up. The gold trim on his full Germanian battle dress still gleamed brightly from the gas lamps hanging around the room, “You are a dirty English whore who is only here for my pleasure and my amusement! You need to learn your place, woman!”

“Otto, you remember you have invited me here, correct?”

“Yeeeessss?”

“Well, you are not showing proper deference to your guest.”

Otto’s angry face suddenly twisted into an expression of puzzlement. “Proper deference?”

“Yes, this is not how you would talk to a normal lady, would you?”

“It isn’t?”

“Not quite, my good Commandant.”

Otto sniffed for a minute as Roxanne simply continued observing. Was he crying?

“You…you really think I’m not showing proper d-de-def…whatever that word was?”

“It’s alright,” Roxanne stood up.

“I’ve just never met anyvun who could make me cry like that…”

“There’s no shame in crying.”

“Of course there is!” Bismarck snapped, “To cry is to be veek! Und I am not veek!” He ripped the spike off the top of his special army helmet and held it out in Roxanne’s direction, “Do not insult me again, whore!”

“You are absolutely correct.” Roxanne walked slowly over to Bismarck, opening her arms to show she meant no harm. “You are a lovely man. You are smart, and attractive, and…”

Bismarck sniffed again, trying to hold back the mucus that was desperately trying to leave his nose.  “No, you’re just saying that. Everyone always says things like that to me but they don’t mean them.”

“Come now, you invented the Otto-man. Surely a man with your skills can go on to invent things that will rock the world over?”

Bismarck thought about that for a moment. “Well, there is one idea I had.” He wiped his nose on his sleeve and then shook his head, “But you’d think it stupid.”

“Otto, I don’t think you’re stupid.” Whiny, insecure, and emotionally stunted? Sure. But not stupid.

“Well…I was thinking of commissioning a kind of road that would one day unite all of Europe. I am thinking of calling it…the Otto-Bahn!”